The Elusive Happy

It is cold and rainy outside and I'm glad for this because our seeds need the rain.  I don't want to go outside and feed the pigs or make dinner inside either for that matter.  Unfortunately the pigs can't feed themselves.  This is a good thing because they don't have hunger triggers so they'd just keep eating until they exploded.  The people on the other hand actually can feed themselves, but I make dinner most nights and my husband makes breakfast on the weekend.  Friday is pizza night and Saturday recently became nacho night.  It's kind of like having pizza twice...which makes it a bit of a cheat but we make them healthy.  Baked or whole grain chips, black beans, grass fed ground beef and low fat cheese...

I tell myself they're healthy because it makes me feel better and it's a really simple meal to make.  I'm impatient, have I mentioned that?

About ten million times or so?

I'm not sure why I'm regaling our dining schedule here.  I was going to share some deep thoughts, but I'm feeling tired and deep requires digging.  I seem to have misplaced my shovel, galdangy.  So far this has been a weird week.  Suddenly some rather dark moments from my past have resurfaced through several people with whom I experienced them.  It's strange to discover my detachment from these experiences, but also somehow comforting.  I spent a lot of years feeling really heavy.  I had a lot of secrets.  I lived through things that in retrospect don't even seem real.  There was a lot of not so shiny and happy in my life when I was younger and it took a lot of years of naval gazing and the writing of a lot of obtuse and depressing poetry to work it out. 

It gets heavy carrying around your sorrow and your anger and I quite frankly got tired of it.  Letting go was a process.  Our pain is often somehow comforting because it's familiar and change is scary.  Releasing attachment is the most powerful thing we can do.  Forgiveness transforms us.  We can not change what has passed, but we can move forward.  We can learn to treasure the moment and invest ourselves in it fully.  It's powerful.  I don't know if we can ever be totally healed, there are fissures here and there and dents and scratches that we tell ourselves give us character and perhaps they do. 

I want to hold these people in my arms and tell them that it's going to be okay, that they can let the past go and live in the present.  One of the hardest things about being a grown up is knowing that you really can't fix everything.

"It is never too late to have a happy childhood." Tom Robbins

"Especially after your memory starts to go."  Margot Potter

Love
Madge