I spent a lot of years trying desperately to be someone who would make everyone around me happy and comfortable. Because I was surrounded by chaos and uncertainty, because I felt abandoned and misunderstood, I felt compelled to constantly try smooth the wrinkles. I still, on occasion, fall back into that pattern. The irony is that my larger than life personality makes that challenge a virtual impossibility. I'm not a calming force, I'm a catalyst. It took a lot of years and a lot of frustrating exercises in futility for me to realize that it wasn't my job to make everyone around me happy and comfortable. It is impossible to know precisely what anyone can do that will ever make everyone around them happy or comfortable.
It took a lot of years of attempting to fix chaos to realize that fixing chaos isn't possible.
I've come to realize that the things I say or do, even with the best of intentions, are filtered through other people's perceptions. I can not control that. Everyone sees everyone else through a lens. That lens is often clouded by insecurities, expectations, ego and past experiences. Although we can strive to be the best expression of who we are and to be mindful of the ways in which our being impacts others, we can not become someone else to make others happy and comfortable.
I think that's a really tough thing to accept. What we all really want deep in our most hidden heart of hearts is to be loved unconditionally. We all want to become free of feeling the need to be who other people want us to be. We all want to be loved exactly as we are, even in our most unlovable and difficult moments. We all want to be free to be ourselves without apology or explanation. We begin that journey by learning to love ourselves without judgments or filters or expectations. Then we can begin to practice offering that to others. The entire point of being on this planet is to explore the ongoing practice of unconditional love.
No matter what we do or how we do it, there will always be people who simply don't like us. It hurts to know other people don't like us, especially when they are people we desperately want to like us. Other people are often stuck in old patterns and old scripts and they simply can't see us clearly. Our job is to let go of our attachment to these things. We define ourselves, others can not define us unless we allow them to do so. We have to allow ourselves and others the room to be less than perfect. If we choose to accept the role of the 'bad guy' or the 'difficult person' simply because that's how other people have cast us, that is a choice we make. We can alternately reject these roles.
People will, if we surround them with our unspoken expectations, never cease to disappoint us. People reflect what we project upon them. We can gather evidence to fully support theories attached to our negative projections if we work hard enough at the endeavor. We all see, hear and believe precisely what we choose to see, hear and believe.
We are either victims of our past, our circumstances and the actions of people around us or we take full responsibility at every moment for our own reality.
I am, ever, learning to love myself and those around me unconditionally. I am, ever, a work in progress.
Judge less, love more. Words to live by. I am striving every moment to allow myself and others the room to breathe.