Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Hello, Chaos, Come On In
For months now, I have been in an uncomfortable limbo because virtually everything in my life is in a state of chaos. Chaos and I, we go way back. In fact, our first introduction happened when I was but a young girl. Since then, my world has been catapulted by the reappearance of chaos into a state of absolute uncertainty countless times.
I sometimes picture myself not moving through life so frenetically. Instead surrounded by simplicity and beauty and joy. I imagine what it might be like to find a home and stay there for more than a handful of years. I wonder how it feels to grow roots and branches. I've never stopped turning, turning, turning to the music of change.
I suppose none of us do.
Still, the illusions of security, comfort, home and stability captivate my imagination.
Here I stand, once again, on the precipice of change with chaos holding its hands on my shoulder blades. I am taking the time to be sure that this free fall is what I truly want. That this change comes on my terms and not someone else's. That this choice will feed my family as well as my spirit. I spent too many years of my life doing things that did not feed my spirit and I have, I believe, earned the right to choose joy. After all, none of what feels so incredibly important at the moment is even remotely consequential to the grand design.
I wish I could say it feels good to be here, but with every expansion and contraction come growing pains. It's an uneasy and unsettling place to be. I am, as ever, attempting to approach it all with whatever grace, dignity and creativity I can muster.