Dear John (Schnatter)

Dear John Schnatter:

You are are a miraculous, splendiferous, amazing asshat.

Firstly, I would like to state for the record that you have never served anything for which I'd plunk down even a fraction of my hard earned cash. 

Your pizza sucks.  It always has.  I'd rather eat cardboard smothered in ketchup and covered in rabbit turds and I'd eat that when hell froze over.  Even my kid has the good taste to know your pizza is crap.  I'm now sure the lack of quality of your product is a reflection of your Free Market driven, penny pinching, corner cutting approach to making as much money as possible to support your lavish lifestyle while you pay your employees crap wages.

You simply can't help yourself, can you?

I am willing to bet that even if you increased the price of your crappy pizza, the people who willingly choke it down would pay more without batting an eyelash.  According to Forbes, your 11-13 cents a pie speculation is incorrect, we're talking 3.4-4.6 cents per pizza.

Really? You are making this much noise over less than a 5 cent per pie increase, to insure the health of your workers, which is BTW tax deductible as a business expense?  Wow.

Just wow.

I know in your eyes, I'm simply one of those people who want the free stuff.  I keep wondering where this free stuff is and how I get some of it.  Oooo...free stuff!  WOO HOO!  Not that I want it, to be clear.  In fact, I don't really think this free stuff is free anyway and I also don't think it's much fun to be poor or lack health insurance.

But hey, I'm kooky like that. 

Frankly, I find you and the rest of the asshats who are threatening to fire their employees, dun their patrons and raise their prices simply because Obama was re-elected morally reprehensible.  I know you're just pissed off that you can't hire slave labor and pay them pennies and work them like dogs.  I know you're mad that your boy Mittford Romnington III didn't make it to the White House.  I know it has to be tough living in a 40,000 square foot mansion on a 16 acre estate surrounded by all of the stuff built on the backs of your hard working employees.  Yes, they built that.  Brick by brick...crappy pizza by crappy pizza.  But hey, you go ahead and take credit for all of it and while you're there, why not fire some folks and cut back people's hours just to make a point?

Go you!

Your days are numbered, angry white man.  The face of this country is changing and you'd be wise to change too.

Christmas is coming, though.  Might I suggest any version at all of A Christmas Carol?  There might be something in there for you.

Love
Madge